


The Prince and the SIG P226

by kedgeree



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fairy Tale, Fairy Tale Retellings, Fluff, Happy Beginning, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-03
Updated: 2013-07-03
Packaged: 2017-12-17 14:54:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/868811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kedgeree/pseuds/kedgeree
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A retelling of Hans Christian Andersen's "The Princess and the Pea" without princesses or peas.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Prince and the SIG P226

Once upon a time, there was a prince who wished to marry a princess. Except this prince wanted another prince, not a princess. And he didn't want to get married, because that wasn't really his area. And what did it matter, anyway, since _real_ princes—besides him, of course—didn't exist. All the men he had ever met who claimed to be princes were boring, stupid, and wrong.

No, those men had _not_ been princes at all.

But secretly, so secretly in the silent hours of the night, he wished there _were_ such a thing as a real prince. Whenever he let himself wish this quiet, secret wish, he was sad because he knew it would never come true.

In this prince's city a terrible storm had arisen—a storm of violence. A murderer stalked the city, and the tears of the poor victims' families rained down in torrents. The King called upon the prince, who was a consulting detective as well as his favourite son, to put an end these crimes. The Detective Prince was proud to oblige, for he was very clever and confident he could easily outwit the city's foe.

As the Detective Prince prepared for battle, there came a knocking at the city gate. The Detective Prince's brother—who through some peculiar family circumstances also happened to be the Queen—answered it. It was a man standing there, and what a sad sight he was. He was a healer and a soldier, but he was worn down by the wars outside the city walls. He had a tremor in his hand. His face was lined. His blue eyes were darkened by all the nighttimes he had held a soldier's watch or a healer's vigil. And yet this scarred and weary man stood with quiet dignity at the city gate and said that he was a real prince.

"Well, we'll soon see about that," thought the Queen. He lured the man through twenty darkened streets and into a car that took them to a darkened house. In this darkened house, the Queen had prepared a bed with twenty mattresses and then twenty eiderdown duvets on top of the mattresses. "On this bed," the Queen told the man, "you must pass the night. You may discover during the night that you are lying upon...something very hard. If you are sensitive to it—" he touched a lock of the soldier's golden hair and smiled, "and I believe you may prove _exquisitely_ sensitive—then we shall name you a _real_ prince."

"No," said the man.

"You dare refuse the Queen's offer to recognize you as a prince? You must be either very brave or very stupid."

"I'm just not interested," said the man. "Sod your...big stack of mattresses. You may choose what you will call me, but a prince I am—and a soldier—come to fight for the city at the side of the Detective Prince."

"You're very loyal, _very_ quickly," said the Queen. His eyes narrowed. "What is your connection to the Detective Prince?"

"I don't have one. We've never met, but I have heard he is a great man. And I, for one, believe he might even be a good one." And with that, the soldier turned on his heel and walked out into the night.

The Queen bowed his head in his darkened, empty room, knowing now that the Soldier Prince _was_ a real prince after all.

The Soldier Prince ran to the Battlefield, where he found the Detective Prince locked in combat with his enemy. Although he fought valiantly, the Detective Prince was losing his battle. The Soldier Prince knew he must save him, so he aimed his weapon and fired. As the Detective Prince's foe fell dead, the Soldier Prince retreated silently into the shadows of the Battlefield. He desired neither gratitude nor glory for himself.

When news reached the palace that the enemy was defeated, the King rushed to the Detective Prince's side. He wrapped him in a cloak of victory and rejoiced that the city had been saved. The Detective Prince heard the King's praise but he knew it had not been he who struck the mortal blow. He slipped off his cloak and searched the Battlefield and there he found a man walking quietly in the shadows of the trees.

The man smiled at him, and the Detective Prince's heart sang with wonder, because he knew at once the Soldier Prince was brave and stalwart and that real princes _did_ exist, for here was one of them! He was not alone on the Battlefield anymore. And maybe marriage was his area after all.

This story, for these Princes, will always be true.

The Detective Prince smiled back at his Soldier Prince.

"Dinner?"

**Author's Note:**

> My alternate version of this story was titled "The Prince and the Penis" but maybe that's Part II.... ;-)


End file.
